Consumed By the Dark Side that Smurf is
by venis-envy
Summary: Slash! Birthday oneshot written for the lovely mynameisserendipity. Slightly OCD Edward is determined to finish his kitchen creation, but Jasper is very distracting. Yoda, Smurfs, Tiramisu, Edward and a drunken Jasper. not crack, but slightly cracked.


For my sweet friend, seren (mynameisserendipity).

When we first started chatting a few months ago, I had you pegged as this cheerful, perky twenty-something chick with way more happy in one virtual smile than I'd ever been able to conjure from myself. It was different, and made my eyes do this thing: O.o – I also may have crossed my arms childishly and put on a pair of angry eyebrows when vamp told me how amazing you are. I side-eyed her, wondering if you'd somehow drugged her with your rainbows and sunshine. How do opposites attract? I don't even know, but it honestly didn't take more than a day for your spunky, happy, awesomeness to soak right into me. Maybe it's some kind of French ambushing technique...Now, every time we chat, I can almost feel the positive energy rolling off of you and I can't help but smile like an idiot. Maybe your sunshiny, happy demeanor really is like a drug to us (I hear an Edward quote in here somewhere). But either way, I'm glad I wasn't able to resist your infectious, happy charm. I'm lucky to be able to call you my friend. That doesn't mean I don't still like my dark little emo corner, but I do love you brightening it up when you're around.

I hope you had an awesome birthday. Here's that Yoda-Smurf slash you were pushing for. LOL! Sorry it's a little late, but hey, it's still the 17th here :)

oOo

"That's ridiculous. There's no way," Edward said, rolling his eyes to punctuate his disapproval before turning back to his task. He splashed a measuring cup full of cream into a bowl and began stirring vigorously.

Jasper's train of thought nearly derailed as he watched the tendons and muscles of Edward's forearm flex with his efforts. He considered suggesting an electric mixer to make the job a little easier, but quickly thought better of it.

"What do you mean there's no way?" Jasper asked, drawing his focus back to their conversation. "Of course there is."

Edward turned back to him, furrowing his brow but not bothering to look up from his bowl of not-quite-whipped cream. "Shouldn't this be getting thicker?" he asked.

Jasper slid down from the place he'd been perched on the countertop and took a step toward Edward, peering into the mixing bowl. He let the back of his fingers graze Edward's wrist, delighting in the faint tingle that passed between them. Shrugging, Jasper smiled mischievously. "Maybe you just need to beat it harder." Edward scowled at him as he continued to stir rigorously. "What?" Jasper asked, feigning innocence. "That doesn't just apply to _one _thing, you know."

"Right, but I know which _one _of those things you have on your mind. Come on, help me finish this." Edward leaned forward, briefly pressing his lips to Jasper's neck. He grabbed a small tub of some odd cheese ingredient, and Jasper frowned, wondering how that could possibly go well with whipping cream. Nevertheless, Edward added it to his bowl and continued to mix.

Jasper couldn't even quite remember what it was they were making. All he knew was that the liqueur he was supposed to be painting onto the spongy cakes lining the dish was best consumed in large gulps while Edward had his back turned.

_Foofy-cakey-pudding-schlep, _Jasper recalled as he slopped a bit more of the liquor into the dish, pastry brush in hand. "Look, all I was saying is that, if Yoda and Handy Smurf were to knock one out, Yoda would definitely top." Jasper was oddly proud—and slightly shocked—at how level he managed to keep his tone despite the copious amounts of coffee flavoured liqueur and the ridiculous context of their conversation. By all accounts, he should have been snorting with laughter and rolling on the kitchen floor. He nodded to himself. "Yoda would smurf the hell out of Handy. No question."

He saw Edward's shoulders rise and fall as if _he_ actually was laughing, but when he spoke, his voice was just as even as Jasper's, if not more so. "Mmm...I don't think so. Yoda was more wise and astute. He'd certainly see the duel benefits of bottoming and want that for himself."

Jasper took another giant gulp of the liqueur, recapping the bottle and quietly sliding it to the side. He jumped back up onto the counter, swinging his feet and enjoying the foggy haze of drunkenness.

"Besides," Edward continued as he grabbed another ingredient to add to his mixture, "Yoda was like, two feet tall. Smurfs are the size of three apples stacked together. It just isn't feasible."

"Right," Jasper nodded, "because _height _is what's wrong with this scenario."

Edward lifted the spoon out of his bowl, checking the consistency of his creation. "I think it's good to go," he said, stepping over to the glass dish beside Jasper and setting his bowl down. "Did you brush the lady fingers with the liqueur?" Edward peered down into the dish before casting an accusatory glance at Jasper who simply offered a half smile and quirked eyebrow.

"You drank it, didn't you?" Edward accused.

"Not _all _of it." Jasper licked the end of his pastry brush.

"Did you really just do that?" Edward asked as he poured the mixture into the dish.

"I did, and I'll do it again."

"We're supposed to be making Tiramisu for your mom for her birthday, and you've got your drunk ass on the counter licking the pastry brush? Seriously?"

Jasper shrugged. "We share DNA. What's the big deal? She wouldn't mind."

"I'm not even going to try and explain this to you right now. Just help me layer this, please."

"Mmm...I don't know. All this Yoda talk is kind of getting to me." Jasper tugged Edward toward him, hooking one leg around his waist to hold him closer. He pressed the liqueur-soaked pastry brush to his partners chin, tipping his face upward.

Edward gently slid the brush out of Jasper's hand, casually tossing it into the sink beside them as their lips met in a slow, sweet kiss.

"I think I could get drunk off your breath alone," Edward said as he rested his forehead against Jasper's.

"Probably. And, while that does sound almost as fun as creating this strange dessert with you, I have a much better idea of what we should be doing right now," Jasper said with a smile before brushing his lips against Edward's again.

Edward groaned and pulled away. "Come on. We're almost finished, then I'm all yours."

"And then I can smurf you up against the counter?"

There was a moment of silence in which Edward stared at Jasper in what seemed to be mild shock. "I _cannot _believe you said that with a straight face," he said finally, before giving in to his laughter.

Edward moved from his spot between Jasper's legs and finished pouring the mixture into the dish. Together, they added more of the sponge cakes, which Edward—with a new brush—coated with the liqueur. After what seemed to Jasper like hours of torturous kitchen work, finally their project was complete. Edward placed the creation in the fridge, smiling proudly as he turned back toward Jasper.

"Help me clean up?" he asked.

In an instant, Jasper was off the counter and pressing the full length of his body against Edwards as he pushed him back against the fridge. Their mouths met in a hard, deep kiss. Jasper's hands pushed up the hem of Edward's shirt, fingertips gently trailing up his sides.

Edward twisted his fingers into Jasper's hair, pulling him even closer as he shifted his hips. Jasper could feel how hard he was already and considered pointing out the fact that his lover might just have a thing for Yoda-Smurf porn, but quickly thought better of it. Edward pushed against Jasper, walking him back toward the center island while his fingers worked to unbutton Jasper's pants.

"I believe you promised me a counter fuck," he said between kisses.

"Actually, I didn't use the word 'fuck'. I said–"

"Ah, please don't," Edward interrupted with a casual tone. Jasper smiled against his lips as he unfastened the buttons of Edward's shirt and pulled it off of him.

Edward's lips were soft against Jasper's, gentle yet demanding, warm and welcoming. Jasper slid his tongue against Edward's as he pressed one hand to the bulge in his lover's pants, the other gripping the counter edge for stability.

The liqueur had worked its way heavily into his system and, like the teenager he hadn't been in years, Jasper found himself seventy percent wildly horny and thirty percent dizzy-drunk. Or, perhaps it was eighty-twenty. Either way, he didn't feel that his legs would hold him much longer.

"Off," he demanded, tugging at the waist of Edward's jeans and leaning back against the counter. His own were already resting low on his hips and, thankfully, it took very little effort or coordination to kick them off. Pulling his shirt up over his head was a different story entirely. He somehow managed to get one arm stuck in an awkward position, and the collar in his mouth. Edward laughed, his hands lightly grazing Jasper's stomach as he moved them teasingly up to the twisted t-shirt. To no real objection, he took advantage of Jasper's vulnerable position, sucking his exposed bottom lip and pushing his fingers up into the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Off," Edward echoed as he helped to pull the shirt off of Jasper and toss it aside.

Jasper smiled, suppressing a laugh at the realization that they were both standing entirely naked in their kitchen, of all places, and only one could use impaired sobriety as an excuse. His smile quickly faded though when it occurred to him that all that meant was that, even though they had been together for eight years, Edward didn't need alcohol to find Jasper as irresistible as he had when they were only seventeen. Not that Jasper needed it either.

Jasper brought his hands up to cup Edward's face, dragging his thumbs along a stubbled jaw before leaning in to kiss him again. Edward's hands gripped the edge of the countertop on either side of Jasper, pinning him in place with the full length of his body as he began kissing and sucking on Jasper's neck.

With some effort, Edward helped Jasper up onto the countertop, trailing hot, moist kisses down his chest. Jasper combed his fingers through his lover's deliciously disheveled hair eliciting a soft groan from him. With a gentle tug, Jasper coaxed Edward into lifting his head. Their mouths met again in a hot, needy kiss. Jasper grazed Edward's bottom lip with his teeth as he slowly pulled away, scooting himself farther back on the countertop. Lifting one foot to rest on the edge of the counter, Jasper leaned back on his elbows. Edward wasted no time in joining him, his knee knocking the fruit basket to the ground, sending apples and tangelos rolling in every direction.

"Don't you dare," Jasper said when he saw a familiar expression flit across Edward's face. Psychotic tidiness notwithstanding, he would just have to leave the mess for later. Jasper slid his hand around the back of Edward's neck, pulling him down for another distracting kiss.

Edward leaned down over Jasper, his hands gripping the opposite edge of the countertop as he stretched and slid his body against him. The length of his cock was pushed against Jasper's, causing a jolt of pleasure to wash through him. Edward sucked his own finger into his mouth, all the while holding Jasper's gaze in his own before moving his hand down between their bodies. Jasper felt slight pressure at his entrance as Edward's slick finger circled teasingly before sliding into him. He was sure his eyes rolled back into his head at the sensation, but it felt too good to care.

Edward's breath was hot against Jasper's lips as he slowly, worked him open, first with one finger and then with two. Jasper's hand wrapped around Edward's length, stroking in time with his lover's movements. Edward kissed him once more before sitting up. Jasper took a moment to admire Edward's body, pale and muscular, his cock, hard and straining and deliciously flushed. Jasper watched through lust-filled eyes as Edward's gaze darted around the room, searching.

"Told you a sex drawer in the kitchen would've been a practical idea," Jasper joked, knowing what it was Edward was looking for.

He quirked an eyebrow, a small, sexy smile spreading across his lips. "We could use the liqueur."

Even in his drunken, smartass haze, Jasper wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. It didn't sound appealing at all. Thankfully, he didn't have to. After just a moment of silent contemplation, Edward got down off of the counter, directing Jasper to stay put. He left the kitchen, but came back right away with exactly what he needed. Edward climbed back into place, his already-slick hand stroking his own length as he gazed down at Jasper. His eyes were dark and gorgeous, full of desire that never seemed to wane over the years.

While he couldn't deny that he loved to watch Edward's face while they were having sex, Jasper also loved to feel him as deep inside as he could possibly get him. He rolled to his knees, clumsily knocking a carton of eggs to the floor and cringing at the thought of how Edward's face must look as he heard them crack and splatter. Nothing but silence filled the air around them. No typical expletives that usually fell from Edward's lips when he knew he had to leave a mess untouched for more than five minutes, no quiet laughter. For a moment, Jasper thought that he had moved away to go clean the mess, but then Edward's hands gripped his hips, pulling him into position.

Jasper exhaled a ragged breath when he felt the heavy pressure of Edward's cock at his entrance, and with one smooth thrust, he was pushed fully inside. Edward groaned at the sensation, leaning forward to rest his head on Jasper's back as they both took a moment to adjust. Jasper lifted himself up off his forearms and began to push back against his lover. Their movements were smooth yet hard, and due to years of practice and acclimating to one another, perfectly in sync.

Edward wrapped one arm around Jasper's waist, holding him as close as possible as he continued to drive into him. An empty metal mixing bowl clattered to the floor, but still Edward's movements didn't falter. He felt the warm, wet heat of Edward's tongue dragging up his back before kissing his shoulder. Jasper's knuckles were white with the force of gripping the edge of the countertop as he continued to push back against Edward.

Another hot, open-mouthed kiss to the shoulder, and Edward sat up, cool air caressing the skin of Jasper's back in the absence of his lover's body heat. Edward made a motion with his hips that caused his cock to drag along every sensitive nerve inside of Jasper and, in turn, ripping an uninhibited cry of pleasure from him. When he felt Edward's long fingers wrap around his length, Jasper knew it wouldn't take much more. Edward continued to pound into him, hard and fast while stroking his cock until Jasper felt him pulsing deep within, feral groans of pleasure overtaking the sounds of skin slapping together. Instantly, Jasper's own orgasm was rushing through him at a blinding rate, come shooting from his cock onto the cool marble countertop. That mess at least, he was sure Edward would allow himself a smile over, at least for a moment.

Edward pulled out of Jasper and slid down off the countertop. Jasper watched him as he examined the destruction they'd caused.

"Shit." His brows were drawn down, and Jasper couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on," he said as Edward helped him down off the counter. "Bed time. This can wait."

The look of panic on Edward's face was humorous. "This can wait? You must be joking. Jasper, there is _come _on the counter. That actually goes to the very top of the list of shit that _can't _wait."

Jasper sighed, reaching into a drawer for a clean cloth and quickly wiping the mess from the counter. "I swear to you, this will all be clean before you even wake up," he said, sidestepping a mess of broken eggs as he tugged Edward along behind him.

"Come on the fucking counter," he heard Edward mumble as they made their way to the bedroom. "Master Yoda would _not _put up with that shit."

oOo

Thank you and hugs to my super speedy, kidnapped beta, bookjunkie1975. It made me happy to see in her comments that she actually laughed so hard her husband came into the room to see wtf was going on.


End file.
